Rejection leads to brutal knife attack

From the annals of the NotHowNewsIsEverReported Herald…


A young man is in critical condition in hospital today after a brutal stabbing in OurTown’s streets last night.

NotHowNewsIsEverReported Herald understands the alleged victim had been out drinking with friends before the attack, and insisted on walking home alone, clad only in shorts and a tight-fitting t-shirt, despite friend’s concerns for his safety. It is understood the alleged victim was approached by another man and rejected his attempts to initiate a conversation just before the attack.

24-year-old John Citizen is now in police custody, facing charges of assault, after being found at the scene holding a blood stained knife.

Citizen’s distraught friends told the NotHowNewsIsEverReported Herald that they could not believe he was accused of committing the attack.

“He’s just such a nice guy, you know” said one friend, holding back tears. “I don’t believe he did this, he’s been at my place heaps of times, and there’s always men at my house, he’s never even attempted to stab any of them.”

“You have no idea what this is doing to his family and friends, they’re just devastated” said Citizen’s football coach. “He’s so involved with our whole community, he plays football every weekend with men and he’s just a gentle giant with them, I can’t believe he would ever do something like this.”

Other community members have questioned what the alleged victim was doing out late at night alone.

“Well, we don’t know the full story, do we?” said OurTown’s parish priest. “I mean, until we know exactly what the alleged victim said to Citizen, or what he did to provoke him, I think it’s a bit early to be making assumptions. We know he’d been drinking and most men know better than to be out on the streets at night, in nothing but shorts and a t-shirt, so I think we need to consider the circumstances before we jump to conclusions.”

John Citizen has been married for eight years and has three children. He is an active member of the local football club.

Local police are taking the attack very seriously, and issued a warning to men about the dangers of being out alone at night.

“We’re very concerned by this attack”, said Senior Constable That Guy of NoPoliceForceEver, “Men are in real danger when they’re out on the streets alone. This should be a warning to all men that they need to be more careful, be aware of their surroundings and to think very seriously about what they wear when they are out in public. We especially urge men who have been drinking to take extra care and never walk home alone, they need to understand that alcohol significantly affects their ability to be aware of danger and protect themselves from harm.”

Mannists took to social media to express their outrage at the media and police response to the incident.

“Look, it’s just wrong” said well-known men’s rights commentator, GoToMannist, “men should be free to walk the streets without fear, and they should never be blamed when they are attacked by strangers. It’s ridiculous and offensive to tell men they shouldn’t go out, or if they do that they are asking to be attacked. That poor man is in hospital now, it will take months, maybe even years to recover from this, how must he feel hearing police say this was his own fault?”

Superintendent That Otherguy was upset and frustrated by the mannist backlash against his officer.

“Senior Constable That Guy has to deal with men who’ve been attacked on the streets all the time,” he said. “It’s been a terrible experience for him, but he is just deeply concerned for men’s safety. Of course he doesn’t want to restrict men’s freedom, but he doesn’t want to have to see more dead bodies of men on the street either. This is not about blaming the victim, it’s just sensible advice men must heed if they want to stay safe. Men need to understand violence against men is an issue police take very seriously. And it’s a sad fact that men do get attacked, and they need to be more careful.”

< insert various lovely photos lifted from Facebook of accused attacker John Citizen looking happy and loving with family and pets>